Friendships develop naturally, you can't force them. You are forced to have relationships with co-workers though. Just because you're forced to have co-workers, this doesn't mean you should be forced to be friends with them. In the end, if friendships naturally develop, that's great. If friendships don't develop, there's nothing wrong with having a purely professional relationship with co-workers, especially if they are productive, energizing, kind, etc. There's no reason to feel like this is a negative thing. I can certainly get all my friendship needs met outside of work and love from my family at home. The only time I'd be desperate to make friends at work is if I'm single in a new city with no attachments to anyone around me. Even then, I can't force friendships to develop at work. The nature of friendship is different from work relationships.

Sure. But friendships also take effort and finding the idea of casually conversing on the clock "patronizing" sounds like effort to actively prevent any friendships. You don't have to force yourself, but being close minded to the idea outright

> There's no reason to feel like this is a negative thing.

disagree or not, I already gave my POV. you spend half your waking hours of the best years of your life there, I want to try and at least be open to the idea of people who hopefully are passionate in the same kind of work as me would have something to connect over.

But hey, if you have friends in town or are fine focusing on family, that's fine.

>I can certainly get all my friendship needs met outside of work and love from my family at home. The only time I'd be desperate to make friends at work is if I'm single in a new city with no attachments to anyone around me.

welcome to most college grads that don't all go work at a FAANG together after college. First job sucked but met some great friends, still talk to this day. Didn't force myself at all; some people asked to go out to lunch and I was simply willing enough to go out instead of keep my head at my desk. Some meshed well, some not so much.

2nd job was amazing from a career perspective, but I clearly wasn't going to closely bond with everyone else being 15+ years older than me with kids/family as a single 26YO dude (at the time). Wouldn't change it for the world, but it was always a lingering feeling there where I felt I had to try and act 10 years older in career and maturity compared to just being myself in the first role.

> Sounds like a lot of HN people just don't like desire friends period.

At work? They are not my friends. Over almost a decade working for the same company there's one person I can consider a friend and I'm pretty sure I'll continue to talk once we are working at other places. Everyone else? Not friends. Friendly, sure.

Work is really the wrong place to be looking for friends. Hopefully one has a life outside of work.

>Over almost a decade working for the same company there's one person I can consider a friend and I'm pretty sure I'll continue to talk once we are working at other places.

I've had to jump jobs every 3 years (not because I wanted to. just laid off) and I try to make at least 2-3 people I keep in contact with at every place. Made a few close friends but not at every job.

>Work is really the wrong place to be looking for friends.

Third place is dying, so it's becoming more and more of the only place to meet friends. It's not uncommon advice to try and find friends at the place you work. But like people anything, YMMV.

>Hopefully one has a life outside of work.

3 years of pandemic and looming recession don't help much with that, unfortunately. feel so bad for those that graduate in 2019, or worse, in college as the pandemic hit.

I can't understand how to make friends with people at work when it seems my colleagues and I are all putting on invented professional personalities.

How do you make friends with the equivalent of someone's customer service voice?

Sure, I get that. The key from my limited experience is to be open to work-adjacent outings. Going out to lunch, participating in some company event, or simply making the occasional comment in some casual chat channel. The "voice" won't be completely unmasked, but you start to see more points to jump into other than what deadlines are coming or ideas for the next feature.

I'll admit it's usually easier (or harder) for my industry to do this. I work in games, many people like and play games Obvious icebreaker: what kind of games do you play? Granted, games are super varied and it can lead nowhere if you play MMOs and the recipient plays FPSs, but it's more than what most can try to start out with. It also means there's a lot more non-devs on the floor to talk with too if you don't care to breath tech in and out of work.

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I do also need to echo the other reply that there are also, simply more and more people who aren't willing to try to socialize at work. You can't do much about that so don't spend your time talking to a wall if you can identify one.

I think one of my greatest professional gifts, especially since getting into tech, has been that I'm naturally personable and can get along well with pretty much anyone. It doesn't have to - and usually doesn't - get into personal stuff. I'm just sorta jokey and lighthearted while still getting my shit done. It has only been a benefit to me, personally and professionally.

I can't see how making people more comfortable talking to and collaborating with you could really be a negative, but everyone has different priorities I suppose.

> I can't understand how to make friends with people at work when it seems my colleagues and I are all putting on invented professional personalities.

Not everyone is or even wants to. You just have to earn enough trust for them to drop the mask, and sometimes that involves not wearing one yourself.

The premise here is you don't like someone. Why are you trying to become friends with someone you don't like?

the main premise sure. the comment I'm responding to is "I don't like talking about non-work stuff at work period. The person was annoying because of that". And that just feels like a lonely way to treat work, in my eyes.