That's a gem of a sentence? It reads like someone wanted to sound like The New Yorker, so they overused their thesaurus and wound up just sounding insufferable.
Write in your voice. If this person actually speaks like that normally, I'm glad I don't know them personally.
Not everything in the world has to be written like a manpage.
This was an excellent piece that was well written in a unique and engaging style - almost like a Chuck Palahniuk book or something. Written words and spoken words are two very different things unless you are a dullard and want the world to be reduced to a brief conversation.
Write in your voice. If this person actually speaks like that normally, I'm glad I don't know them personally.