Scene opens in PM David Cameron's 10 Downing St. office.
PM: Shall we have tea first, or shall we look at the list? Have you fetched me the list?
Aide: What list?
PM: You know, the list. The list of people that was created when we made pornography filtering opt-out instead of opt-in, and those who opted in to pornography automatically registered themselves in our database in the act of doing so.
Aide: Oh, yes, sir, I have it right, here. It's this volume right here. It is, ahem, quite long.
PM: How long?
Aide: Quite.
PM: (more sternly) How long?
Aide: It is several thousand pages, sir.
PM: Ah. Ok. How very disappointing. Have you scanned the list?
Aide: I have.
PM: And who, might I ask, is it comprised of? Degenerates, criminals, ne'er-do-wells, perverts, thugs, know-nothings, liberals?
Aide: Sir, well...sir....
PM: Spit it out.
Aide: It seems everyone is on the list, sir.
PM: Everyone?
Aide: Yes. Everyone.
PM: Do you mean everyone in Liverpool?
Aide: I'm afraid I mean everyone in the UK, sir.
PM: That's 60 million people.
Aide: Indeed.
PM: That's nonsense. The Britons are more decent than that! Next you'll be telling me that the Queen herself is on the list!
Aide looks down at his feet.
Aide: Um.
PM: Oh for God's sake, sir. Don't tell me that the Queen is on the list!
Aide: I'm afraid she is.
PM: Wait. So you're telling me that, when I turned pornography filtering on by default nation-wide, that every single natural born citizen of the UK, including the Queen, chose to get to their computers, logged into the filtering system, and opted in to pornography?
Aide: That's what it seems like, sir. Er, well...there is one who is not on the list. UK tennis player and Wimbledon champion Andy Murray is not on the list. He is as pure as new-fallen snow.
PM: National treasure, that chap.
Aide. Indeed. But everyone else is on the list.
PM: Ballocks. Ah well, I tried. It was for the children, you see. Now if you'll excuse me I have some porn I mean, er, ahem, important reading I have to get to, privately.
PM: Shall we have tea first, or shall we look at the list? Have you fetched me the list?
Aide: What list?
PM: You know, the list. The list of people that was created when we made pornography filtering opt-out instead of opt-in, and those who opted in to pornography automatically registered themselves in our database in the act of doing so.
Aide: Oh, yes, sir, I have it right, here. It's this volume right here. It is, ahem, quite long.
PM: How long?
Aide: Quite.
PM: (more sternly) How long?
Aide: It is several thousand pages, sir.
PM: Ah. Ok. How very disappointing. Have you scanned the list?
Aide: I have.
PM: And who, might I ask, is it comprised of? Degenerates, criminals, ne'er-do-wells, perverts, thugs, know-nothings, liberals?
Aide: Sir, well...sir....
PM: Spit it out.
Aide: It seems everyone is on the list, sir.
PM: Everyone?
Aide: Yes. Everyone.
PM: Do you mean everyone in Liverpool?
Aide: I'm afraid I mean everyone in the UK, sir.
PM: That's 60 million people.
Aide: Indeed.
PM: That's nonsense. The Britons are more decent than that! Next you'll be telling me that the Queen herself is on the list!
Aide looks down at his feet.
Aide: Um.
PM: Oh for God's sake, sir. Don't tell me that the Queen is on the list!
Aide: I'm afraid she is.
PM: Wait. So you're telling me that, when I turned pornography filtering on by default nation-wide, that every single natural born citizen of the UK, including the Queen, chose to get to their computers, logged into the filtering system, and opted in to pornography?
Aide: That's what it seems like, sir. Er, well...there is one who is not on the list. UK tennis player and Wimbledon champion Andy Murray is not on the list. He is as pure as new-fallen snow.
PM: National treasure, that chap.
Aide. Indeed. But everyone else is on the list.
PM: Ballocks. Ah well, I tried. It was for the children, you see. Now if you'll excuse me I have some porn I mean, er, ahem, important reading I have to get to, privately.